I am four months, almost five, into my training.  I have attended six BJJ classes and six Judo classes since the start of the year. Had I attended all the classes I had set out to, a minimum of two classes per week, then I would have attended 32 classes of BJJ and 32 classes of Judo (give or take as there have been some cancellations). It’s less than twenty percent of what I set out to do.

It is a personal source of frustration. Not least because I chose to do BJJ and Judo as a form of exercise in order to aid my efforts for weight loss. I have gained 3.4 kgs since January. I am at my heaviest weight in my life and I am dreadfully unhappy about it. I am tired all the time. I have no energy for the most mundane of tasks. When I try to walk anywhere I find it substantially difficult even after the shortest of spurts. I know it is unsustainable. I cannot continue at my current weight.

When I go to Judo classes I am forever stretching off my back because the imbalance in my back and stomach region hurts and does not permit me to train to my fullest. I am unable to fully participate in the BJJ classes and get the full benefit as I cannot warm up properly, I struggle with doing techniques because of my size, I constantly worry about applying too much pressure to my uke and hurting them. It all combines to reinforce the feeling – coupled with the ill-fitting gi and the stretched rashguard – that I should not be there. Subconsciously I think that is why I find excuses not to go.

Not going is no longer an option so I must address the elephant in the room. When I first started BJJ in 2008 I believe I must have weighed somewhere around 114kg. Even by those standards I was overweight but at least I had mobility on the mat and could participate fully. I now weigh what feels like an incredible 174kg. I must lose a substantial amount of weight before I can truly participate. I have set myself the goal of losing 80kg overall; for some that is their entire body weight, it is a staggering amount. I am unsure when I will feel comfortable enough to return to BJJ and Judo. I don’t want to put a figure on it because I think it has more to do with how I feel, how I am exercising at a lesser weight and other intangibles that can only be realised once the weight has come off.

Needless to say I don’t want it to be too long.